At Peace

Hello Loves
I know it's been too long since I last posted, but I've been through some transitions of growth. I can never come to you half steppin'. I want to look back at these posts years from now and still agree. At this very moment I am at peace. Before this moment I was in blame. Although, these are not direct opposites; they are  still extreme differences in the exchange of negative and positive energies.

There is nothing more powerful than accepting and understanding your role in all situations. I'm sure you heard it before, but it's the truth, you are in control of your life and everything that happens in it. It's just easier to make someone else responsible and that's downright lazy.

My Facebook status read:

Epiphany! Eye have had the most wonderful relationships with some of the most amazing men...they didn't work out, because they weren't the 1...YUP! That simple! They were simply my training partners for the right one. What I will and won't tolerate...Teaching me that the real focus is loving myself first. That I will recognize the right 1 when the love for himself resembles mine, so much so that he wouldn't mind sharing our reflection.

God is so good, because I now realize I've could have been one of those 11years wasted on nothing...convincing myself that I'm not gonna cry (as I'm crying) situations. I wasn't being sarcastic when I said the men I've been with are amazing...Cream of the Crop...Just didn't match my soil...Keep healing, mending, and growing...while loving yourself.

I might not be the best person to speak to about relationships, because I haven't had one that lasted longer than a year. Some of these relationship stories are nightmares! Being the great and wonderful person that I am, I will not compromise my happiness...I love myself too much for that. If that keeps me single then so be it...




It all began with realizing that I love too hard and too fast. This is not a horrible thing, but I had to realize that the men I was dealing with couldn't handle that...they tried. Instead of going, "he wasn't no good...he ain't shit...he...he...he." The Blame Game! People can only do to us what we allow them to get away with. Stop PLAYING the victim; it's all an act and curtains are bound to drop. When will you realize that you are your audience? When will you realize that it is you that you have to please? You are the director. It takes a good director to choose the right play. I can do analogies all day! lol...I think you catch my drift.

So I have been downright pissed off, because I'm a great person with all this love I'm willing to give, but I'm single. I didn't love myself enough to be sure that all this love I was pouring out was actually being received. Who's fault is that? Or should I say...was...who's fault was that? The only real mistakes are the ones we leave to be mistakes; the ones we don't learn and grow from. Sure there are situations where the other person was full of deception, but after you find out it becomes your responsibility to act accordingly. Allow your self-love to heal your heartache and you will discover how difficult it will be to suffer from heartbreak. The love for yourself will protect your heart and keep it mended.

The more I love myself and embrace who I am (without apology), the more I attract men that are more suiting to what I want and need. If there is truly only one person out there for each of us then we must respect the process of elimination.

Remember, I love you, but that means nothing if you don't love yourself...MESSAGE!

TAH, TAH 4 NOW

Your vote counts!

Rugby Poets Club on Facebook (click here)

So I entered this contest...THE HUNT FOR THE NEXT GREAT POET. How it works? Well, I have from now until May 4th to get as many votes as possible. Cool thing is you can vote once every 24 hrs (please vote once every 24 hrs...lol). The judges will then look at the 5 submissions with the most votes to decide which is the best. It's as simple as clicking a button. Help me get there...especially if you know that I am a great poet! Click on the link above and then click vote!

Thank you lovers!

Light

ItsReaLight Reel

Honestly?

"I am terrified of you
Tongue heavy with lies
If only the stench attracted flies
You sneaky
Straight creepy
Beautiful monster" - Excerpt from "The Beast" by ItsReaLight


It is due time that we hold each other responsible to the truth. Let's begin with the spoken truth... if the truth is not in what you speak then keep your mouth shut. I'm speaking on all lies, yes, even the little ones. "Hey, I'm going to call you back in 20 minutes." If you call back in 30 plus minutes or don't call back at all...guess what? You're a liar. I know that seems extreme, but it's the truth (isn't that what we're talking about?) Maybe you would have been better off just saying you will call back. This way you hold no obligations to time. Okay, so you called back in 25; an apology will suffice. That's right, I'm holding you accountable.


Understand that growing thicker skin will be necessary in this transformation, because in order to start telling the truth; we also have to be ready to accept it. The truth needs to be handled. Opinions can easily be mistaken for the truth. We should be able to see the truth in people's opinions. I know, better than anyone, that we don't live in a perfect world and there may be people that's just set to hurt your feelings. Wherein, lies the lie.


I was engaged (lift your jaw). I broke it off for many reasons, but the one that ignited the separation was finding out that he lied about his age. If they are willing to lie in the smallest of instances it has been my experience that they will lie again. I almost said when it's important. Now that I think about it, it's actually okay to lie. WHAT, LIGHT!?! Yeah, I said it. It's okay to lie just take ownership of it. What do I mean? 


Example: 
Officer- "Were you smoking Marijuana?" 
You- "No."
Officer- "Is this your Marijuana?"
You- "I don't know how that got there"
Later on...safe...at home...
You- "Shit, I wasn't going to go to jail."
An Okay Lie...lol


It was Georgia Me, a fellow poet, that said something along the lines of if you want to keep your woman, don't make any promises; just do. People hardly expect the unexpected. Maybe we should do less talking and more action? I don't know. I'm just seeking a solution, because I am sooooo tired of people lying ALL THE DAMN TIME! Especially when the truth ALWAYS comes to Light! No really, the truth just falls in my lap.


The truth? According to who? Good question. The answer is simple "To thine own self be true." Start with yourself. If for some reason you can't recognize when you're lying maybe you should seek help. All jokes aside, if you can't then it may be a mental issue. The last 3/4 of my 2010 seemed to be saturated with pathological liars; haunting. I recognized them, because I used to be one. Long story short, I told lies so frequently that I began to believe them myself. This lead to living in the lies. 


It was my Sophomore year in High school when I decided that I didn't want to lie anymore. It's hard to clean up lies, so starting fresh worked out better. I'm 30 years old and I found myself still cleaning up the lies I have made way back then; it's a process similar to weening yourself from bad habits. It's still not as complicated as we like to make everything. Make a conscious effort to stop.


My mother always said she would "Trust a thief before I trust a lie." I understand it, because I have seen the results of some lies and noticed that lies are dangerous; it can even be fatal. Do you really want someone's death on your conscious?


It's a new year. Start keeping it real. Stand firm in your truth, because the honest road is a rocky one in the world of lies.


Tah, tah 4 now!

Test of Strength

It seems that being strong casts the illusion of being without emotions or feelings. Like it was some kind of trade. Constantly my strength is being tested. A part of me feels like there's some secret coalition, formed to see if I can be weak. Almost as if my strength makes me some kind of freak of nature..."We MUST find her kryptonite! There's no way she can be This strong."

I don't want to come off as if I want you to spare my feelings, because then you will stop being honest. We should all know by now, that the truth will always reveal itself. It is best not to let it fester. Be honest and if it's genuinly from a place of care and love than it will be well recieved. I can only speak for myself. So, this blog entry is selfish in that.

Sometimes, I wish a were weak, because maybe then I would have a man (yea, I said it). In being strong, they're intimidated (don't want them), they're turned off (don't want them), or they feel like they can do with me what they will, because in the end I'll be okay (definately don't want them).

I have been friends with people who has exhausted our friendship, but remain because I realize that they need me as a friend, even if THEY don't realize it. I would want someone to be there for me in spite of myself, that's true friendship.

I have said many a times...Always the homegirl, never the girl (my curse). So, while I love you and thought we had something; you dedicate yourself to someone else. Thank you for being honest, but now I'm not only expected to be strong enough to be with out you; I'm also expected to be your friend through the course of you being happy with someone else. Wow, that's strong. I should be happy that you found your happily ever after.

On the other hand, I don't want your pity. Guess what, friend it is. Now I'll just pretend that my heart isn't shattered and trust in the glue of time to mend it back together.

Sometimes, I just want to get lost. This strength has kept me single, fired from jobs, excluded from associations, and constatntly challenged. This strength keeps me from suicide, lifts me from my puddle of tears, standing before my adversaries, and surviving.

As I continue to live amognst you, I realize I am not you. I am not like any of you. I am the Light. I recieved a message in a fortune cookie once, it said: "He who bares the Light; must endure the burn." So, keep setting your fires...I know how to stop, drop, and roll. I'd really hate to know life without me, so....I'm here for you, because burns heal.

Tah tah 4 now....Light

The Stain

I almost can't believe that I didn't write about this before...

I don't even know where to begin.

Okay, more than anything in the world or of this world; I love myself. I made it so. How? I learned myself by embracing my solitude. At first, I found many things I didn't like. I won't bore you with those details; what I didn't like I changed and what I couldn't change, I accepted.

Me, Myself, and I. The me is who I am; Natasha. The I is my spiritual self; ItsReaLight. The Myself is my mental self; the go between. If I do not love myself I cannot love anyone or anything else. So, with love, I lead to be an example. I don't think I'm better than you. Call me mad, but I hope that my confidence resonates to the point that it leaves residue wherever I go; a stain. I want the stain to conflict you into having no choice, but to have the same confidence level.

It has been recently brought to my attention that people dislike (hate is such a powerful word) me, because I'm dark- skinned...fat and have the nerve to not have low self esteem, because of this. Really? No...really?

"Light sucks the energy out of the room." My love, you are mistaken, I AM the energy of the room. I refuse to play down the beautiful being that is me, so you can feel better about yourself. That is a sin; a sin that I will not indulge in, because it's consequence can be fatal.

I am, at most, sad for you. Occupying the time you should be spending on yourself with futile attempts to bring me down. Why? What have I done to you? Perhaps, I have placed you in front of a mirror you were not ready to face. I apologize, for nothing. God built this; only God could break it down. I am not in battle with you. You have already proven yourself an unworthy opponent. Interesting, by the time you get your armor together, you will realize that we are allies in the war.

Excuse my "not so sunny" disposition, but if you shine Light in certain corners you will see dirt. Instead of letting it piss you off, clean it up.

Nothing more to say...Tah, Tah 4 now.

BIG Love

Before I 'GO IN' (ya'll know how I do)...I want to say thank you; for following, reading, commenting, and always inquiring of my next post. Please share these experiences with who you know...don't be like that...share.

On to the next...

You may not mean to insult, but statements like 'Big girls need love too' straight up pisses me off. I have never heard anyone say 'Big boys need love too' or 'Skinny ____ need love too.' Shit, last I checked we all need love; don't you?

Let me take you back to 1994...when I was a skinny girl. Note: My education is based on my experiences, notice how I can speak from both sides of the spectrum...lol. I did not think of being skinny or that I was better than anyone else because I was skinny...I was simply me and I happened to be skinny.

Enough of the flashback...I live in the now. I am not delusional. I know I am a plus size sister. I prefer the term plus size, because that's the section I'm in when you see me shopping for clothes.

Sorry guys...my thoughts are everywhere! Every sentence is triggering a segway, but I'm sure we can get through this together...I'm an Herbivore; currently malnurished. It's what keeps me focused.

Okay...ok

I beg you...fellow plus sizers...your denial makes us look rediculous. We look far better in clothes that fit! Take your ass to the plus size section and STOP SHOPPING FOR LARGE IN THE JUNIORS! Thank you.

As most of you know, I took nudes. The response was beautiful, by the way. What I didn't expect was the respect I gained from my fellow plus sizers. I was looked at as some kind of spokesperson...'People don't expect fat people to do nudes...' Honestly, I hear you and I understand, but the last thing on my mind was my size (believe it or not). I like being naked. There's a beauty in it that I wanted to express to the world...period.

The difference between 1994 and now (besides fingerwaves to dreads and age) is my passion. I used to be an athlete; basketball, track, weight training, etc. Now, I'm an artist. My poetry made me fat. When I decided to take my artistry seriously, everything became secondary...non existant, even. Which now segways me to 'out of shape.' Some people are just built small (dare I say most). They can't walk a mile without dropping a lung and they will eat you out of house and home. Now, because their skinny or small framed society is more accepting. I know some big girls that can dance the night away and eat sometimes or very little (nudge...nudge...wink). Besides, how do you know this is not the shape I’m supposed to be? Out of shape…I outta…

Thank God for self thinking individuals, because without them big girls would need love too. I'm saying, I love spinach and you may hate it, but that doesn't mean you'll spit in my plate. To each their own. We really shouldn't knock each other for our preferences, that's our God given right. What's interesting is I prefer stallions (6' 2" or more...250 -300lbs...SOLID) to big boys. I'm entitled to that without being insultive or nasty. As grown as we are, we tend to get very 'schoolyard' about certain things. If you can't stand the sight of me, don't look...and yes, you can miss me (ha ha).

I had to bring this up, because (like racism) some of you won't leave it alone. Otherwise, I would be a blogger posting blogs; who just happens to be fat (full figured, plus size, whatever). For the record...big girls DO get love too. I'm proof.

Tah! Tah! 4 now