Test of Strength

It seems that being strong casts the illusion of being without emotions or feelings. Like it was some kind of trade. Constantly my strength is being tested. A part of me feels like there's some secret coalition, formed to see if I can be weak. Almost as if my strength makes me some kind of freak of nature..."We MUST find her kryptonite! There's no way she can be This strong."

I don't want to come off as if I want you to spare my feelings, because then you will stop being honest. We should all know by now, that the truth will always reveal itself. It is best not to let it fester. Be honest and if it's genuinly from a place of care and love than it will be well recieved. I can only speak for myself. So, this blog entry is selfish in that.

Sometimes, I wish a were weak, because maybe then I would have a man (yea, I said it). In being strong, they're intimidated (don't want them), they're turned off (don't want them), or they feel like they can do with me what they will, because in the end I'll be okay (definately don't want them).

I have been friends with people who has exhausted our friendship, but remain because I realize that they need me as a friend, even if THEY don't realize it. I would want someone to be there for me in spite of myself, that's true friendship.

I have said many a times...Always the homegirl, never the girl (my curse). So, while I love you and thought we had something; you dedicate yourself to someone else. Thank you for being honest, but now I'm not only expected to be strong enough to be with out you; I'm also expected to be your friend through the course of you being happy with someone else. Wow, that's strong. I should be happy that you found your happily ever after.

On the other hand, I don't want your pity. Guess what, friend it is. Now I'll just pretend that my heart isn't shattered and trust in the glue of time to mend it back together.

Sometimes, I just want to get lost. This strength has kept me single, fired from jobs, excluded from associations, and constatntly challenged. This strength keeps me from suicide, lifts me from my puddle of tears, standing before my adversaries, and surviving.

As I continue to live amognst you, I realize I am not you. I am not like any of you. I am the Light. I recieved a message in a fortune cookie once, it said: "He who bares the Light; must endure the burn." So, keep setting your fires...I know how to stop, drop, and roll. I'd really hate to know life without me, so....I'm here for you, because burns heal.

Tah tah 4 now....Light

The Stain

I almost can't believe that I didn't write about this before...

I don't even know where to begin.

Okay, more than anything in the world or of this world; I love myself. I made it so. How? I learned myself by embracing my solitude. At first, I found many things I didn't like. I won't bore you with those details; what I didn't like I changed and what I couldn't change, I accepted.

Me, Myself, and I. The me is who I am; Natasha. The I is my spiritual self; ItsReaLight. The Myself is my mental self; the go between. If I do not love myself I cannot love anyone or anything else. So, with love, I lead to be an example. I don't think I'm better than you. Call me mad, but I hope that my confidence resonates to the point that it leaves residue wherever I go; a stain. I want the stain to conflict you into having no choice, but to have the same confidence level.

It has been recently brought to my attention that people dislike (hate is such a powerful word) me, because I'm dark- skinned...fat and have the nerve to not have low self esteem, because of this. Really? No...really?

"Light sucks the energy out of the room." My love, you are mistaken, I AM the energy of the room. I refuse to play down the beautiful being that is me, so you can feel better about yourself. That is a sin; a sin that I will not indulge in, because it's consequence can be fatal.

I am, at most, sad for you. Occupying the time you should be spending on yourself with futile attempts to bring me down. Why? What have I done to you? Perhaps, I have placed you in front of a mirror you were not ready to face. I apologize, for nothing. God built this; only God could break it down. I am not in battle with you. You have already proven yourself an unworthy opponent. Interesting, by the time you get your armor together, you will realize that we are allies in the war.

Excuse my "not so sunny" disposition, but if you shine Light in certain corners you will see dirt. Instead of letting it piss you off, clean it up.

Nothing more to say...Tah, Tah 4 now.

BIG Love

Before I 'GO IN' (ya'll know how I do)...I want to say thank you; for following, reading, commenting, and always inquiring of my next post. Please share these experiences with who you know...don't be like that...share.

On to the next...

You may not mean to insult, but statements like 'Big girls need love too' straight up pisses me off. I have never heard anyone say 'Big boys need love too' or 'Skinny ____ need love too.' Shit, last I checked we all need love; don't you?

Let me take you back to 1994...when I was a skinny girl. Note: My education is based on my experiences, notice how I can speak from both sides of the spectrum...lol. I did not think of being skinny or that I was better than anyone else because I was skinny...I was simply me and I happened to be skinny.

Enough of the flashback...I live in the now. I am not delusional. I know I am a plus size sister. I prefer the term plus size, because that's the section I'm in when you see me shopping for clothes.

Sorry guys...my thoughts are everywhere! Every sentence is triggering a segway, but I'm sure we can get through this together...I'm an Herbivore; currently malnurished. It's what keeps me focused.

Okay...ok

I beg you...fellow plus sizers...your denial makes us look rediculous. We look far better in clothes that fit! Take your ass to the plus size section and STOP SHOPPING FOR LARGE IN THE JUNIORS! Thank you.

As most of you know, I took nudes. The response was beautiful, by the way. What I didn't expect was the respect I gained from my fellow plus sizers. I was looked at as some kind of spokesperson...'People don't expect fat people to do nudes...' Honestly, I hear you and I understand, but the last thing on my mind was my size (believe it or not). I like being naked. There's a beauty in it that I wanted to express to the world...period.

The difference between 1994 and now (besides fingerwaves to dreads and age) is my passion. I used to be an athlete; basketball, track, weight training, etc. Now, I'm an artist. My poetry made me fat. When I decided to take my artistry seriously, everything became secondary...non existant, even. Which now segways me to 'out of shape.' Some people are just built small (dare I say most). They can't walk a mile without dropping a lung and they will eat you out of house and home. Now, because their skinny or small framed society is more accepting. I know some big girls that can dance the night away and eat sometimes or very little (nudge...nudge...wink). Besides, how do you know this is not the shape I’m supposed to be? Out of shape…I outta…

Thank God for self thinking individuals, because without them big girls would need love too. I'm saying, I love spinach and you may hate it, but that doesn't mean you'll spit in my plate. To each their own. We really shouldn't knock each other for our preferences, that's our God given right. What's interesting is I prefer stallions (6' 2" or more...250 -300lbs...SOLID) to big boys. I'm entitled to that without being insultive or nasty. As grown as we are, we tend to get very 'schoolyard' about certain things. If you can't stand the sight of me, don't look...and yes, you can miss me (ha ha).

I had to bring this up, because (like racism) some of you won't leave it alone. Otherwise, I would be a blogger posting blogs; who just happens to be fat (full figured, plus size, whatever). For the record...big girls DO get love too. I'm proof.

Tah! Tah! 4 now

Leave the money on the dresser...

Sometimes it's best to come out the cage swinging. I am a full time Artist; which means if you want me to spotlight/feature/spit, you are calling me to work. I have been doing this longer than Def Poetry Jam existed. WE NEED COMPENSATION! WE NEED COMPENSATION!

Dearest other Artists,

It is due time that we demand to be paid...our worth. If we all did this than they will know to have compensation available or know that that will be discussed when they make contact.

On another note, be honest about your worth. If you want assistance on that...I am also available for consulting.

This is the most effective way to eliminate the pimpin these artists syndrome. Compensation is not secluded to money; it can be a plausible networking event, an opportunity to sell product to a buying crowd, feed me, buy me a drink, pass the bucket, a good cause, etc.

An example of the Pimpin these Artists Syndrome:

Hey, Light. This is blank and I wanted to invite you to feature for our anniversary show...Blah blah blah we have no intention of paying you blah blah.
[since I already knew how their show is set up...a bunch of non-paid poets...showcasing...I REPLY...]

Okay, just make sure I get there. My bus ride is $20 round trip and a ride to and from my momma house.

Ummmm...let me get back to you. [which means that they'll just find someone else that will do it for free]


Am I not worth $20...makes me feel like the common hoe, only she'll get some kind of pay for her blowjob. How would you feel if your boss called you and said "Hey, can you come in for a few hours, do a little work, but we don't have the money this week." ?

I shouldn't be penalized for having a different kind of work, because that's all that is. I don't live in some artist bungalow just off the coast, smoking trees, and sipping lime juice from my coconut cup. I live in Newark...with a landlord that expects his rent like all landlords do. Going any further with this explanation will be insulting your intelligence. I think you get what I'm saying.

Sometimes it feels like abuse...the way they use us up. Well, nothing turns me on like being able to pay my rent. So, PLEASE do me a favor and leave the money on the dresser, it will make up for the pleasure missed while you f*(% ed me.

Tah Tah 4 now, because I feel like I'm going to go in and have a hard time finding my way back out.

PS- Remember artists, "Ask and thou shall receive." GOD