It seems that being strong casts the illusion of being without emotions or feelings. Like it was some kind of trade. Constantly my strength is being tested. A part of me feels like there's some secret coalition, formed to see if I can be weak. Almost as if my strength makes me some kind of freak of nature..."We MUST find her kryptonite! There's no way she can be This strong."
I don't want to come off as if I want you to spare my feelings, because then you will stop being honest. We should all know by now, that the truth will always reveal itself. It is best not to let it fester. Be honest and if it's genuinly from a place of care and love than it will be well recieved. I can only speak for myself. So, this blog entry is selfish in that.
Sometimes, I wish a were weak, because maybe then I would have a man (yea, I said it). In being strong, they're intimidated (don't want them), they're turned off (don't want them), or they feel like they can do with me what they will, because in the end I'll be okay (definately don't want them).
I have been friends with people who has exhausted our friendship, but remain because I realize that they need me as a friend, even if THEY don't realize it. I would want someone to be there for me in spite of myself, that's true friendship.
I have said many a times...Always the homegirl, never the girl (my curse). So, while I love you and thought we had something; you dedicate yourself to someone else. Thank you for being honest, but now I'm not only expected to be strong enough to be with out you; I'm also expected to be your friend through the course of you being happy with someone else. Wow, that's strong. I should be happy that you found your happily ever after.
On the other hand, I don't want your pity. Guess what, friend it is. Now I'll just pretend that my heart isn't shattered and trust in the glue of time to mend it back together.
Sometimes, I just want to get lost. This strength has kept me single, fired from jobs, excluded from associations, and constatntly challenged. This strength keeps me from suicide, lifts me from my puddle of tears, standing before my adversaries, and surviving.
As I continue to live amognst you, I realize I am not you. I am not like any of you. I am the Light. I recieved a message in a fortune cookie once, it said: "He who bares the Light; must endure the burn." So, keep setting your fires...I know how to stop, drop, and roll. I'd really hate to know life without me, so....I'm here for you, because burns heal.
Tah tah 4 now....Light
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I feel you on this one. I learned that lesson over the course of this year. It just brings things into perspective you learn who you can count on in the long run. Yep you are strong. What do you do...dust off and get back up.
ReplyDeleteIt consistently amazes me how you know exactly how to say exactly what I am thinking and how I am feeling. Fittingly, this entry (and blog) provides me strength.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, just my opinions about these words...
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought that maybe what you want, isn't truly what you want? You say always the homegirl, never the girl. You are a strong woman aware of herself and her influences within mere people of this world. I believe that when one truly knows them self, they are set apart from others. They have a glow that others gravitate towards, and in their "weaker" state, they need to feed off of that glow.
Maybe your positions, your path in life is to be the homegirl. Is to cradle and nurture and enhance the Light's children on their wayward paths to owning their own glow. And believe me I know that the physical body our spiritual self inhabits has its burning needs of passion....so go ahead and satiate it. But don't be left confused when the heat only lasts on your side of the bed.
I don't know if what you want is long term commitment and the traditional sense of love (or if thats even what you should truly want) I can only give you my interpretations having lived quite a few years of my short journey as the other woman, the clean up woman, the tomboy, the homegirl, nah thats my nigga right there....and when i had the same thoughts you had, I decided to "own" my position...and I feel damn good.
It's amazing how those who never saw my femininity, my love before, can see it so clearly when I no longer care if they do or not.
Be strong. It's such a beautiful thing. Even better when you understand how to be strong not in such a negative word as alone but solitary, independent, just fine...