Test of Strength

It seems that being strong casts the illusion of being without emotions or feelings. Like it was some kind of trade. Constantly my strength is being tested. A part of me feels like there's some secret coalition, formed to see if I can be weak. Almost as if my strength makes me some kind of freak of nature..."We MUST find her kryptonite! There's no way she can be This strong."

I don't want to come off as if I want you to spare my feelings, because then you will stop being honest. We should all know by now, that the truth will always reveal itself. It is best not to let it fester. Be honest and if it's genuinly from a place of care and love than it will be well recieved. I can only speak for myself. So, this blog entry is selfish in that.

Sometimes, I wish a were weak, because maybe then I would have a man (yea, I said it). In being strong, they're intimidated (don't want them), they're turned off (don't want them), or they feel like they can do with me what they will, because in the end I'll be okay (definately don't want them).

I have been friends with people who has exhausted our friendship, but remain because I realize that they need me as a friend, even if THEY don't realize it. I would want someone to be there for me in spite of myself, that's true friendship.

I have said many a times...Always the homegirl, never the girl (my curse). So, while I love you and thought we had something; you dedicate yourself to someone else. Thank you for being honest, but now I'm not only expected to be strong enough to be with out you; I'm also expected to be your friend through the course of you being happy with someone else. Wow, that's strong. I should be happy that you found your happily ever after.

On the other hand, I don't want your pity. Guess what, friend it is. Now I'll just pretend that my heart isn't shattered and trust in the glue of time to mend it back together.

Sometimes, I just want to get lost. This strength has kept me single, fired from jobs, excluded from associations, and constatntly challenged. This strength keeps me from suicide, lifts me from my puddle of tears, standing before my adversaries, and surviving.

As I continue to live amognst you, I realize I am not you. I am not like any of you. I am the Light. I recieved a message in a fortune cookie once, it said: "He who bares the Light; must endure the burn." So, keep setting your fires...I know how to stop, drop, and roll. I'd really hate to know life without me, so....I'm here for you, because burns heal.

Tah tah 4 now....Light

The Stain

I almost can't believe that I didn't write about this before...

I don't even know where to begin.

Okay, more than anything in the world or of this world; I love myself. I made it so. How? I learned myself by embracing my solitude. At first, I found many things I didn't like. I won't bore you with those details; what I didn't like I changed and what I couldn't change, I accepted.

Me, Myself, and I. The me is who I am; Natasha. The I is my spiritual self; ItsReaLight. The Myself is my mental self; the go between. If I do not love myself I cannot love anyone or anything else. So, with love, I lead to be an example. I don't think I'm better than you. Call me mad, but I hope that my confidence resonates to the point that it leaves residue wherever I go; a stain. I want the stain to conflict you into having no choice, but to have the same confidence level.

It has been recently brought to my attention that people dislike (hate is such a powerful word) me, because I'm dark- skinned...fat and have the nerve to not have low self esteem, because of this. Really? No...really?

"Light sucks the energy out of the room." My love, you are mistaken, I AM the energy of the room. I refuse to play down the beautiful being that is me, so you can feel better about yourself. That is a sin; a sin that I will not indulge in, because it's consequence can be fatal.

I am, at most, sad for you. Occupying the time you should be spending on yourself with futile attempts to bring me down. Why? What have I done to you? Perhaps, I have placed you in front of a mirror you were not ready to face. I apologize, for nothing. God built this; only God could break it down. I am not in battle with you. You have already proven yourself an unworthy opponent. Interesting, by the time you get your armor together, you will realize that we are allies in the war.

Excuse my "not so sunny" disposition, but if you shine Light in certain corners you will see dirt. Instead of letting it piss you off, clean it up.

Nothing more to say...Tah, Tah 4 now.