It seems that being strong casts the illusion of being without emotions or feelings. Like it was some kind of trade. Constantly my strength is being tested. A part of me feels like there's some secret coalition, formed to see if I can be weak. Almost as if my strength makes me some kind of freak of nature..."We MUST find her kryptonite! There's no way she can be This strong."
I don't want to come off as if I want you to spare my feelings, because then you will stop being honest. We should all know by now, that the truth will always reveal itself. It is best not to let it fester. Be honest and if it's genuinly from a place of care and love than it will be well recieved. I can only speak for myself. So, this blog entry is selfish in that.
Sometimes, I wish a were weak, because maybe then I would have a man (yea, I said it). In being strong, they're intimidated (don't want them), they're turned off (don't want them), or they feel like they can do with me what they will, because in the end I'll be okay (definately don't want them).
I have been friends with people who has exhausted our friendship, but remain because I realize that they need me as a friend, even if THEY don't realize it. I would want someone to be there for me in spite of myself, that's true friendship.
I have said many a times...Always the homegirl, never the girl (my curse). So, while I love you and thought we had something; you dedicate yourself to someone else. Thank you for being honest, but now I'm not only expected to be strong enough to be with out you; I'm also expected to be your friend through the course of you being happy with someone else. Wow, that's strong. I should be happy that you found your happily ever after.
On the other hand, I don't want your pity. Guess what, friend it is. Now I'll just pretend that my heart isn't shattered and trust in the glue of time to mend it back together.
Sometimes, I just want to get lost. This strength has kept me single, fired from jobs, excluded from associations, and constatntly challenged. This strength keeps me from suicide, lifts me from my puddle of tears, standing before my adversaries, and surviving.
As I continue to live amognst you, I realize I am not you. I am not like any of you. I am the Light. I recieved a message in a fortune cookie once, it said: "He who bares the Light; must endure the burn." So, keep setting your fires...I know how to stop, drop, and roll. I'd really hate to know life without me, so....I'm here for you, because burns heal.
Tah tah 4 now....Light
Showing posts with label Self- Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self- Love. Show all posts
Friday, September 10, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Stain
I almost can't believe that I didn't write about this before...
I don't even know where to begin.
Okay, more than anything in the world or of this world; I love myself. I made it so. How? I learned myself by embracing my solitude. At first, I found many things I didn't like. I won't bore you with those details; what I didn't like I changed and what I couldn't change, I accepted.
Me, Myself, and I. The me is who I am; Natasha. The I is my spiritual self; ItsReaLight. The Myself is my mental self; the go between. If I do not love myself I cannot love anyone or anything else. So, with love, I lead to be an example. I don't think I'm better than you. Call me mad, but I hope that my confidence resonates to the point that it leaves residue wherever I go; a stain. I want the stain to conflict you into having no choice, but to have the same confidence level.
It has been recently brought to my attention that people dislike (hate is such a powerful word) me, because I'm dark- skinned...fat and have the nerve to not have low self esteem, because of this. Really? No...really?
"Light sucks the energy out of the room." My love, you are mistaken, I AM the energy of the room. I refuse to play down the beautiful being that is me, so you can feel better about yourself. That is a sin; a sin that I will not indulge in, because it's consequence can be fatal.
I am, at most, sad for you. Occupying the time you should be spending on yourself with futile attempts to bring me down. Why? What have I done to you? Perhaps, I have placed you in front of a mirror you were not ready to face. I apologize, for nothing. God built this; only God could break it down. I am not in battle with you. You have already proven yourself an unworthy opponent. Interesting, by the time you get your armor together, you will realize that we are allies in the war.
Excuse my "not so sunny" disposition, but if you shine Light in certain corners you will see dirt. Instead of letting it piss you off, clean it up.
Nothing more to say...Tah, Tah 4 now.
I don't even know where to begin.
Okay, more than anything in the world or of this world; I love myself. I made it so. How? I learned myself by embracing my solitude. At first, I found many things I didn't like. I won't bore you with those details; what I didn't like I changed and what I couldn't change, I accepted.
Me, Myself, and I. The me is who I am; Natasha. The I is my spiritual self; ItsReaLight. The Myself is my mental self; the go between. If I do not love myself I cannot love anyone or anything else. So, with love, I lead to be an example. I don't think I'm better than you. Call me mad, but I hope that my confidence resonates to the point that it leaves residue wherever I go; a stain. I want the stain to conflict you into having no choice, but to have the same confidence level.
It has been recently brought to my attention that people dislike (hate is such a powerful word) me, because I'm dark- skinned...fat and have the nerve to not have low self esteem, because of this. Really? No...really?
"Light sucks the energy out of the room." My love, you are mistaken, I AM the energy of the room. I refuse to play down the beautiful being that is me, so you can feel better about yourself. That is a sin; a sin that I will not indulge in, because it's consequence can be fatal.
I am, at most, sad for you. Occupying the time you should be spending on yourself with futile attempts to bring me down. Why? What have I done to you? Perhaps, I have placed you in front of a mirror you were not ready to face. I apologize, for nothing. God built this; only God could break it down. I am not in battle with you. You have already proven yourself an unworthy opponent. Interesting, by the time you get your armor together, you will realize that we are allies in the war.
Excuse my "not so sunny" disposition, but if you shine Light in certain corners you will see dirt. Instead of letting it piss you off, clean it up.
Nothing more to say...Tah, Tah 4 now.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
BIG Love
Before I 'GO IN' (ya'll know how I do)...I want to say thank you; for following, reading, commenting, and always inquiring of my next post. Please share these experiences with who you know...don't be like that...share.
On to the next...
You may not mean to insult, but statements like 'Big girls need love too' straight up pisses me off. I have never heard anyone say 'Big boys need love too' or 'Skinny ____ need love too.' Shit, last I checked we all need love; don't you?
Let me take you back to 1994...when I was a skinny girl. Note: My education is based on my experiences, notice how I can speak from both sides of the spectrum...lol. I did not think of being skinny or that I was better than anyone else because I was skinny...I was simply me and I happened to be skinny.
Enough of the flashback...I live in the now. I am not delusional. I know I am a plus size sister. I prefer the term plus size, because that's the section I'm in when you see me shopping for clothes.
Sorry guys...my thoughts are everywhere! Every sentence is triggering a segway, but I'm sure we can get through this together...I'm an Herbivore; currently malnurished. It's what keeps me focused.
Okay...ok
I beg you...fellow plus sizers...your denial makes us look rediculous. We look far better in clothes that fit! Take your ass to the plus size section and STOP SHOPPING FOR LARGE IN THE JUNIORS! Thank you.
As most of you know, I took nudes. The response was beautiful, by the way. What I didn't expect was the respect I gained from my fellow plus sizers. I was looked at as some kind of spokesperson...'People don't expect fat people to do nudes...' Honestly, I hear you and I understand, but the last thing on my mind was my size (believe it or not). I like being naked. There's a beauty in it that I wanted to express to the world...period.
The difference between 1994 and now (besides fingerwaves to dreads and age) is my passion. I used to be an athlete; basketball, track, weight training, etc. Now, I'm an artist. My poetry made me fat. When I decided to take my artistry seriously, everything became secondary...non existant, even. Which now segways me to 'out of shape.' Some people are just built small (dare I say most). They can't walk a mile without dropping a lung and they will eat you out of house and home. Now, because their skinny or small framed society is more accepting. I know some big girls that can dance the night away and eat sometimes or very little (nudge...nudge...wink). Besides, how do you know this is not the shape I’m supposed to be? Out of shape…I outta…
Thank God for self thinking individuals, because without them big girls would need love too. I'm saying, I love spinach and you may hate it, but that doesn't mean you'll spit in my plate. To each their own. We really shouldn't knock each other for our preferences, that's our God given right. What's interesting is I prefer stallions (6' 2" or more...250 -300lbs...SOLID) to big boys. I'm entitled to that without being insultive or nasty. As grown as we are, we tend to get very 'schoolyard' about certain things. If you can't stand the sight of me, don't look...and yes, you can miss me (ha ha).
I had to bring this up, because (like racism) some of you won't leave it alone. Otherwise, I would be a blogger posting blogs; who just happens to be fat (full figured, plus size, whatever). For the record...big girls DO get love too. I'm proof.
Tah! Tah! 4 now
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tales of The Nudist: What Imperfections?
Some men love stretch marks...I am his perfect
Getting all he deserves
Plate full
Due to his love for curves
Fed
So, he asked me if I minded him posting my nudes on his blog. You read right...my nudes. When did being naked become so controversial? Damn you atom in the evening! They said the freaks come out at night setting the illusion that Light doesn't exist. If I step out the room, you'll still feel me there. Allow me to illuminate your thought process.
We are all God's (Jah's, Allah's, Anu's, Ourselves') work of art. Art is creation. What we call imperfections are perfect in the power they hold. They can control how you live your life. They can assist in the telling of your story.They're a part of who you are, making you unique. What's more perfect that the things that make you, you?
"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." Very few people have their own opinion when it comes to beauty. They base what's beautiful on what society labeled as such; the mob mentality. When I was in grammer school I was the "Big lipped black ugly monkey." African was definately not the look. When I graduated from High School, I was that "Sweet chocolate thing with full lips." Go Figure.
This reminds me of The Ugly Duckling; only I was never ugly. What changed? I think, in this case, horomones. If anyone liked me as I was growing up, they either kept it to themselves or expressed it in private. God forbid! Going against the norms of society is a form of treason, a crime punishable by lynching! So, instead they settle for being a part of the mob and cast stones. Well, the person without imperfections should cast the first stone. I was always good at dodgeball, but the best way to kill a mob is to point out the individuals.
The chances of me being a contestant on America's Next Top Model is slim to none (pun intented). My sculpter is perfect, therefore, I am perfect. There are no mistakes.
The only hang ups I have about my nudity is based on the society's hang ups. Oh, my God! Is that a ti ti? So, what? We forget that nourishment came from the breast. Not to gross you out, but the first breast you saw and became familiar with was your mother's. When did we start pretentiously throwing that hand over our eyes? I guess the same time we discovered peeking between the fingers...who are we fooling?
To someone I am the poster child for what is beautiful. If that someone ends up just being me; well then, cover your eyes, because I told him yes. Post my nudes. Shouldn't we be fruitful and multiply?
A male groupie (who I thought was a little out of his mind) asked me what I was doing on the reproductive tip. Well, if creation is art and we're re-creating, than this is it. The Re-creation of Light; captured by SirReal Photography...Keep one eye open.
Light Tah, Tah 4 now.
P.S- If you would like to see more they will be posted here: http://sirrealphoto.blogspot.com/2009/11/yes-its-really-light-natasha-l-spence.html
Getting all he deserves
Plate full
Due to his love for curves
Fed
So, he asked me if I minded him posting my nudes on his blog. You read right...my nudes. When did being naked become so controversial? Damn you atom in the evening! They said the freaks come out at night setting the illusion that Light doesn't exist. If I step out the room, you'll still feel me there. Allow me to illuminate your thought process.
We are all God's (Jah's, Allah's, Anu's, Ourselves') work of art. Art is creation. What we call imperfections are perfect in the power they hold. They can control how you live your life. They can assist in the telling of your story.They're a part of who you are, making you unique. What's more perfect that the things that make you, you?
"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." Very few people have their own opinion when it comes to beauty. They base what's beautiful on what society labeled as such; the mob mentality. When I was in grammer school I was the "Big lipped black ugly monkey." African was definately not the look. When I graduated from High School, I was that "Sweet chocolate thing with full lips." Go Figure.
This reminds me of The Ugly Duckling; only I was never ugly. What changed? I think, in this case, horomones. If anyone liked me as I was growing up, they either kept it to themselves or expressed it in private. God forbid! Going against the norms of society is a form of treason, a crime punishable by lynching! So, instead they settle for being a part of the mob and cast stones. Well, the person without imperfections should cast the first stone. I was always good at dodgeball, but the best way to kill a mob is to point out the individuals.
The chances of me being a contestant on America's Next Top Model is slim to none (pun intented). My sculpter is perfect, therefore, I am perfect. There are no mistakes.
The only hang ups I have about my nudity is based on the society's hang ups. Oh, my God! Is that a ti ti? So, what? We forget that nourishment came from the breast. Not to gross you out, but the first breast you saw and became familiar with was your mother's. When did we start pretentiously throwing that hand over our eyes? I guess the same time we discovered peeking between the fingers...who are we fooling?
To someone I am the poster child for what is beautiful. If that someone ends up just being me; well then, cover your eyes, because I told him yes. Post my nudes. Shouldn't we be fruitful and multiply?
A male groupie (who I thought was a little out of his mind) asked me what I was doing on the reproductive tip. Well, if creation is art and we're re-creating, than this is it. The Re-creation of Light; captured by SirReal Photography...Keep one eye open.
Light Tah, Tah 4 now.
P.S- If you would like to see more they will be posted here: http://sirrealphoto.blogspot.com/2009/11/yes-its-really-light-natasha-l-spence.html
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Company of Misery
Why are you torturing yourself? Because you are afraid of yourself; afraid to be alone...
This may be considered a spin off of self love, but what the hay...I am one person with variations and elaborations to my thoughts. See I not only know myself, but I love myself...I made it that way. If I found anything out about myself that I didn't like, I'd change it until I liked it.
I am SINGLE! Listen, because I have screamed it from mountain tops. Don't get me wrong...I want a man (for my homosexual readers...a lover, but I want a man). I'm not willing to trade my happiness for it. There are nights I wished I had the routine of cuddling, but if I have to be miserable for it...I'll hug my pillow. See my pillow doesn't cause ear, back, head or heartache.
"You don't love yourself, if you did than what others do wouldn't matter as much, Because you got you." I qoute myself from my Self Love post. I did that to draw the variation to this post; You don't love yourself, if you did you would want yourself to be happy and will not allow anything to interrupt that happiness. You would want the best for you.
If that bitch (I say bitch, because bitches exist; male and or female) makes you miserable...I mean to the point that the very thought of them makes you sick...THEN LEAVE. Making yourself miserable is some STUPID SHIT! I HATE STUPID SHIT! ~STUSHI~
I'm going in...
He called me...crying "Light, this crazy bitch is pregnant." [I'm paraphrasing]
1 week later- "I feel some kind of way...she had an abortion." "Well, that was your seed, but look at it this way...God gave you a pass."
1 month later- "Yo Light, that crazy bitch is pregnant again." "Why you tellin' me? I don't know her." "It's mine." ~STUSHI~
9 months later- "She won't let me WOOMP WOOMP WOOMP and she don't WOOMP WOOMP WOOMP..." "Um. God gave you a pass."
This is an extreme example of wanting to be the company of misery. When you get caught up in your ~STUSHI~ (saying ~STUSHI~ does not bruise the ego of the stupid and saves you from cursing (that is until it becomes universal, but for now I figure your a member of my blog, so you are excersising your intelligence) oh, yes...and you can say it in church!) don't bring it to me. Then you would be bringing misery to my life and I'm not having it.
I wasn't born yesterday, so I had to learn some things to get to this point. Please stand (more over than under) that I feel like a seminar host. Not only am I your host, but I was in the very predicament that you're dealing with. I am speaking from experience.
My gift to you; Leave them bitches to find one another. You are unequallly yoked. It's time to use the knowledge you obtained and solve the problem. What is your reason for keeping the problem consistant?
Spend time with self. You might not like everything you find, but you have the power to. Learn yourself and love yourself to the point that you will not jepardize your happiness. You deserve the best; demand it, even from yourself.
Light TAH, TAH 4 now
This may be considered a spin off of self love, but what the hay...I am one person with variations and elaborations to my thoughts. See I not only know myself, but I love myself...I made it that way. If I found anything out about myself that I didn't like, I'd change it until I liked it.
I am SINGLE! Listen, because I have screamed it from mountain tops. Don't get me wrong...I want a man (for my homosexual readers...a lover, but I want a man). I'm not willing to trade my happiness for it. There are nights I wished I had the routine of cuddling, but if I have to be miserable for it...I'll hug my pillow. See my pillow doesn't cause ear, back, head or heartache.
"You don't love yourself, if you did than what others do wouldn't matter as much, Because you got you." I qoute myself from my Self Love post. I did that to draw the variation to this post; You don't love yourself, if you did you would want yourself to be happy and will not allow anything to interrupt that happiness. You would want the best for you.
If that bitch (I say bitch, because bitches exist; male and or female) makes you miserable...I mean to the point that the very thought of them makes you sick...THEN LEAVE. Making yourself miserable is some STUPID SHIT! I HATE STUPID SHIT! ~STUSHI~
I'm going in...
He called me...crying "Light, this crazy bitch is pregnant." [I'm paraphrasing]
1 week later- "I feel some kind of way...she had an abortion." "Well, that was your seed, but look at it this way...God gave you a pass."
1 month later- "Yo Light, that crazy bitch is pregnant again." "Why you tellin' me? I don't know her." "It's mine." ~STUSHI~
9 months later- "She won't let me WOOMP WOOMP WOOMP and she don't WOOMP WOOMP WOOMP..." "Um. God gave you a pass."
This is an extreme example of wanting to be the company of misery. When you get caught up in your ~STUSHI~ (saying ~STUSHI~ does not bruise the ego of the stupid and saves you from cursing (that is until it becomes universal, but for now I figure your a member of my blog, so you are excersising your intelligence) oh, yes...and you can say it in church!) don't bring it to me. Then you would be bringing misery to my life and I'm not having it.
I wasn't born yesterday, so I had to learn some things to get to this point. Please stand (more over than under) that I feel like a seminar host. Not only am I your host, but I was in the very predicament that you're dealing with. I am speaking from experience.
My gift to you; Leave them bitches to find one another. You are unequallly yoked. It's time to use the knowledge you obtained and solve the problem. What is your reason for keeping the problem consistant?
Spend time with self. You might not like everything you find, but you have the power to. Learn yourself and love yourself to the point that you will not jepardize your happiness. You deserve the best; demand it, even from yourself.
Light TAH, TAH 4 now
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Self Love
My friend, a beautiful man by the name of Wize, did a beautiful thing for me. He found a picture of a kemetic (egyptian*) bust and matched it with this picture of me...STRIKING resemblance! It is now my profile pic on fb, but this is not what I'm posting about. I'll definately do another post.
I showed another friend the picture and he replied that that was REAL love. Mind you, they are both brothers with the potential to be my man. Their potential lies in our vibes and mental capacities (down right beautiful). Wize and I have been in contact very seldom over the course of 5 years and the other brother and I share a love that cannot be understood; our very union may basterdize it.
In the energy of it all I realized that a lot of brothers love me. Then why haven't I had a man (at least not one worth considering my man) in almost 8 years? The conversation between Wize and I revealed the answer.
He had a lot to say about why he never actually hooked up with me; other relationship issues, wanting to be the best him, and learning who he is. These are all good points and I am flattered that he has REAL love for me...(you feel that but coming? I'm actually trying to use that word less)...I heard..."Light, I don't love me."
I'm not psychic, but he confirmed my observation. I said, "You don't love yourself, if you did than what others do wouldn't matter as much, Because you got you." I was also saying was that if you loved yourself than we would be together. He would love himself enough to see the beautifulness in our union.
Let me be clear...I don't want him otherwise, because then we will be unequally yoked. I'm not into wasting time and I love myself enough to stay by myself if necessary.
I say all of this to say...Love yourself, so you can love others. Changing the world is that simple.
Light Tah! Tah! (4 now)
*This is the last time I'm translating Kemet to Egypt. I only did it for those who don't know that Kemet is Kemet.
I showed another friend the picture and he replied that that was REAL love. Mind you, they are both brothers with the potential to be my man. Their potential lies in our vibes and mental capacities (down right beautiful). Wize and I have been in contact very seldom over the course of 5 years and the other brother and I share a love that cannot be understood; our very union may basterdize it.
In the energy of it all I realized that a lot of brothers love me. Then why haven't I had a man (at least not one worth considering my man) in almost 8 years? The conversation between Wize and I revealed the answer.
He had a lot to say about why he never actually hooked up with me; other relationship issues, wanting to be the best him, and learning who he is. These are all good points and I am flattered that he has REAL love for me...(you feel that but coming? I'm actually trying to use that word less)...I heard..."Light, I don't love me."
I'm not psychic, but he confirmed my observation. I said, "You don't love yourself, if you did than what others do wouldn't matter as much, Because you got you." I was also saying was that if you loved yourself than we would be together. He would love himself enough to see the beautifulness in our union.
Let me be clear...I don't want him otherwise, because then we will be unequally yoked. I'm not into wasting time and I love myself enough to stay by myself if necessary.
I say all of this to say...Love yourself, so you can love others. Changing the world is that simple.
Light Tah! Tah! (4 now)
*This is the last time I'm translating Kemet to Egypt. I only did it for those who don't know that Kemet is Kemet.
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